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24 Hours Ago (posted on 23rd Sep 2008 on another account of mine which will be deleted now)

November 27, 2008

To understand my state of mind before “24 hours ago” happened, I need to start from 2 days ago.

I had a chat with a friend to whom I said “I’m shifting to Mumbai as soon as I either get enough guts or my parents’ permission … whichever I get first!!” I knew that staying here in Kolkata will only give me a lot of “gyan” from family members, a recurring headache from my parents and a extra kilo of fat every week in my body!! I wanted to prevent all this … specially the fat and the headache!

Now, if you ask … “Why Mumbai?” Then my answer would be “For my childhood dream of making a show/film on all the sensitive issues I’m close to” In this relation I also had made many friends from this industry … actors, director, script writer and even a producer!! I really wanted to become a “Farah Khan” or a “Ekta Kapoor” or maybe a combination of both!!

But, before I can even start my struggle in the city of dreams I had been having a war with my mother. She is socially obligated to bring up her only daughter as a normal one who can do a simple job and can get married to someone she choses. I do not mind the marriage part … I’m ready to get married to any bloke whom my Mom thinks is best for me. But job … no … I do not want to do any job where I will be completely unsatisfied. Writing this, I can understand how childish I sound. My grandma thinks so too!! But dreams are dreams … they are the only thing I can call my own.

And then 34 hours, reality which was waiting for me to face in the Dakshineshwar Temple. Sitting at the foot of the stairs, staring up the sky and to the tall dome of the Kali shrine, I heard something inside me saying “I can’t leave my dreams, but can I leave my parents’ dream?? … can I just walk away from the very house which has given me 25 years of bliss and knowledge and every little thing I know? … can I make an identity leaving behind an identity given by the people closest to me?” Too many question bombarded my head like Asteroids from the nearby galaxy. A tear left my eyes and rolled down.

Reaching home I gave my best friend cum astrologer a missed call just to find out what exactly my horoscope said about the days that are going on now! He called up and loosely mentions about WB PCS. I didn’t even think that “CS” could mean Civil Service. I just talked to him normally telling him that I went to the temple and my brother was leaving for Dehradun the next day and there was a gazetted officer requirement. He listenened and gossiped about the world and at last I tell him … I’m going nowhere, I guess I’m not even made of civil service and he says “Look you are made for it more than I am… but still I am giving the exam” I was dumbfounded … “When did u decide to give? … and when did the damn form come out?” He asked me “Are you mad … the first thing I told you when you called was I’ve filled the PCS form!!” I was like “What’s that?” He said “CS can only mean Civil Service … what did you at all think?” I said “How can you even think I can understand that? … I am dumb … that’s for sure now!!” He started laughing and I started boiling! Then he told me about the website and that there are 10 days left for the last date. “You can do it still” I just was so angry … I had told him every little thing whatever I found, whatever I did … and he didn’t even tell me about the very thing he had predicted that I should do?!! He apologized … but my head was really on the turn table and I couldn’t think anything straight.

Just then my brother peeps into the website I had just opened in front of me and saw the words “West Bengal Public Service Commission (Exe) Main Examination”. And then he told everybody around “Pallavi will be giving PCS again!”. And at that time I was on the phone shouting at Abhi how stupid could he be to not tell me before!! After a lot of “How could you?” and “I’ll never forgive you” and “If you ever do it again” I came to “I will only forgive you after I get the admit card”!! And the phone was happily back out of battery and I kept the phone on the charger.

From then on … my brother started pestering me “Give this exam”, “It’s not that bad” and “You have domicile!”. Then today morning before leaving for Dehradun he started again!!

Then came the SBI admit card and my brother said again the same things!!

So, at last at the end of 24 hours of knowing that WB PCS exam should be given I got the print out (which has another story, how I got it!!) and will be soon filling up the form!!

And leaving everything to the days ahead where I will have to pester myself to study and not lose hope. Maybe one day will come when I will be a gazetted officer and at the same time will be making films of the issues sensitive to me!!

Maybe I’ll be one of a kind!!

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